Do you ever walk around hating yourself?
Just carrying around this self-loathing,
And memories of cringe worthy moments that induce immobilising cycles of shame, repeating over and over and over
Until I feel numb, paralysed, scared of making a mistake.
I used to attend a self-compassion therapy group.
We were told to talk to ourselves as if we were an “unconditionally loving, imaginary friend”.
Would you call your friend a stupid piece of shit? Hopefully not.
You wouldn’t be a very loving friend if you did.
I’m not sure where these voices came from, like a little mean bully who enjoys bringing me down. I was bullied very briefly when I was young and starting a new school. I think that’s the first time I was ever called a bitch. I didn’t know what it meant then. I’m not sure she did either.
It’s like a twisted little sadistic game in my mind.
But it’s no fun.
I don’t want to play anymore 😔