Update note: Wow this is one hell of a ramble. i decided not to edit it because I guess this energy what was emerging at the time… but I sound a bit delirious? Lol sorry in advance…
(from facebook) quick psa/rant:
LIFE is amazing and fragile and scary and wonderful, and the PEOPLE on this planet, living, breathing, laughing, loving, crying, struggling — all need to be cherished and recognized in the brilliance that is survival because sometimes our mount everests threaten to avalanche us into oblivion, and sometimes that’s just not something we could have ever imagined or anticipated or controlled.
the statistical likelihood that YOUR SPERM out of the millions swimming around, was the one which conceived THE ONE EGG which would have otherwise fallen out as they’re prone to do every month is BASICALLY zero – hence the fact that you’re even ALIVE is a fucking MIRACLE!!!! (thank you internet for the infographic: http://www.businessinsider.com/infographic-the-odds-of-bein…
a week ago, something AMAZING happened and a whole new life came into existence… suddenly i had a NEPHEW! he came over a month earlier than expected, which was scary and exciting because for a split second i wasn’t sure if he was going to make it . but now this little ball of flesh with so many facial expressions, and wrinkly raisin feet and hands, is crying and breathing and pooping and LIVING. And all of a sudden he got a birth certificate and was officially a person recognized by the law (not that anything needs to be constituted by the state to make it real — ugh how colonial), but he EXISTS and HAS rights and health care and it’s incredible!
that same day, this world lost one of the most brilliant, kind, sincere, compassionate, and all around one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met. She battled terrifying mental health issues but you’d NEVER KNOW since her desire to help others and give back to her community and her friends was SO strong and so genuine. Just reading her facebook profile makes me tear up, with all the messages people wrote of their memories with her, and the tremendous impact shes made on their lives.
the last time i saw her, i thanked her for the super kind christmas card she sent me when i was in india, and apologized for never responding… i told her i stumbled upon her blog, and how much i admired her for sharing her experiences with mental health in such a candid way. (check this out the girl was seriously talented: https://imokaycomic.wordpress.com/). we talked about getting lunch and catching up. i said i would text her. i never followed through… and now she’s gone… frown emoticon
a month ago i got a tattoo to remind myself to be grateful of life and all its ups and downs. it’s followed by a semicolon, inspired by the semicolon project which seeks to raise awareness for mental health, particularly, suicide. it’s symbolic for this quote: “[a] semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”
on occasion, my mind likes to play dark games and imagine all the ways i could kill myself. kind of like this super cute song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJNR2EpS0jw That week was particularly bad. The day I got the tattoo, I learned that people were being bombed in Paris. I’m not sure if it’s social media magnifying what always existed, or if there’s just increasingly more and more horrible shit happening in the world. but ugh i felt so useless and apathetic then guilty for not caring and guilty for taking my own life for granted when others around the world was just trying to SURVIVE in a war zone which could blow off our limbs in a split second.
sometimes without even realizing it, i would spin into a somewhat selfish cycle of self doubt and insecurity and hopelessness and apathy and uselessness and overall reckless negativity. for a little while, i became pretty preoccupied with existential questions… why are we here? what’s the purpose of life? why are so many people dying? why is there so much tragedy and violence and horrors in the world? why do i care? should i care? who am i? is there even a point in caring? was this planned? is there a point in trying? is there a point in life???
despite some reckless behaviour, and well-meaning friends who scolded me for overthinking (or overdrinking? lol jknotreally), while letting everything else fall apart, i think it finally took the birth of a new baby boy, and the passing of a wonderful person for me to just simply realize that life is beautiful and amazing and people in it are what matters.
yes i know captain obvious. but machine maggie who used to be able to juggle school and part time jobs and extra curricular projects at one point couldn’t juggle a life and friends and texting back people on time (i’m sorrrryyyyyyyy ><). now i’m not sure where she’s gone but she’d be mighty disappointed in my letting everything fall apart when by all objective standards, life is pretty swell. and there’s fucking amazing people around you who love you and think the sun shines out of your ass (juno reference whattuppppp).
Sooooooo basically, life is great, people are great, you’re all awesome. LOVE THE WORLD. LOVE THE PEOPLE. AND MOST OF ALL, LOVE YOURSELF! heart emoticon